It has been a long time since I have written much, here or otherwise. I used to find writing to be kind of cathartic, even stimulating, but I’ve been struggling a lot lately. The fact is, just about everything is difficult right now, and I’ve been having a hard time finding even small escapes.
But right now, I am feeling a bit of interest in writing, so I want to grab that while it’s here.
A lot has happened since I last posted anything ‘round here. My family spent 17 days in Europe. My kids went back to school … in person … all day … five days a week. I am teaching (almost) entirely in person again. I bought a cool new (custom!) surfboard. I spoke at a high-profile music conference1. Probably more that I’ll think of after I publish this.
on Approaching 40
I’ll be forty years old in about six months. It’s always a little funny to think back on what you thought of certain ages when you were younger. Like, what did I think 40-year-olds were like when I was 15? Something tells me I probably thought they were older than I feel like I am … though I am feeling pretty old these days.
What I didn’t really anticipate about this point in my life is the restlessness and disillusionment I’ve been feeling. Some of this started shortly after finishing my PhD program back in 2015. Up until that point there was always something else to look toward, a “next move” in my life, career, etc. But, once my dissertation was officially accepted and I had my doctoral degree in my hands, that was the end of the road, so to speak. By that point, I had already been working as a tenured Associate Professor for a few years, which left me with very few “next step” options.
I don’t at all think I need to be constantly “progressing.” In fact, I have a lot of bones to pick with the worldview that says we should be continually growing economically, and I think this mindset seeps into our heads too much, making us think that we’re supposed to do that too.2 But, I am feeling certain unfamiliar pangs as I navigate this plateau. We have all heard about the “midlife crisis,” but I don’t think that’s what this is. This is something more like suddenly being without a map … never mind the fact that I am probably too young to be having the proverbial “midlife crisis.” I suppose this might be what many people feel shortly after graduating from high school or college, when the world presents them with hundreds of options as to what to do. Maybe it’s simply taken me until 39 to “grow up” and experience “real life” in this way.
Anyway, this feeling of “now what?” has been in the back of my mind since 2016, and it keeps poking its head into my more conscious mind. Right now, this feeling is extra present. There are a few things that have been festering which I think are part of its resurgence.3
So, here I am, 39.5 years old, and I have virtually no idea what to do when I grow up.